January 1, 2009
i woke up, hearing my mom yanking on the phone with my uncle. Loud and ridiculously fun to hear.
i had ulcerous eyes and saliva in my cheeks (gross)
i wasn't able to sleep well due to the problem circling in my mind
i was damn crying hard.
i went down to eat my breakfast
new year's eve left overs as the main dish
and my mom's yells as the side dish; angry at my late hour sleeps and late morning wake ups
we we're in a hurry..
we'll have our first day of the year at my uncle house.
i was not in the mood for any get-together
i mostly spend my time lying in my cousin's room
i brought some of my music
and i was ready for my relaxation moment
but there was a crowd both in and outside of the house.
there were kids playing and eating desserts outside the house
there were adults watching movies
there we're teens inside the room playing with the computer.
it was too crowded for me.
when people slowly vanished from my sight
and murmuring we're minimized,
i started to relax
and do with my own thing...
i got to help my aunt pack "pancit bihon" for the less fortunate kids in their village..
served my uncle, aunt and my mom their share of the desserts
and helped with the dishes with my cousin
but my problems did never get rid of me..
i still cried and thought of it a lot of times..
my cousin and i were able to talk seriously
while eating her "mango float"
maybe too let go of emotions,
i told her about my dad's situation
though my mom warned me to tell them yet
i was dying to keep my eyes dry while talking to her
she understood my side and tried to comfort me
she said , any job taken abroad are not a guarantee. Families must be aware of it, so when the time comes, they'll understand and accept.
my feeling of hatred and disappointment
was lightened for a bit.
it was hard to disobey my mom
but it's hard for me to keep it all inside of me.
upon arriving home, we ate dinner and talked about it
my mom, was sad but she is having her hopes up
she still believes that God has reserved something good for us.
she tells me that
"That is how life needs to be, and we have no power to change it. What need to happen, needs to happen."
deep inside of me, there still a space for me to believe that.
but "why us?!!! we have strong faith. we live our lives the catholic way. we are Virgin of the Rule and Sto. Niño devotees. we stayed away from doing what is not necessary to be done.
But why do we play this selfish game? it is unfair, knowing that those people who are not rewardable of any luck are having good times in there lives. "
i have no right to question God
but im trying to lift my spirit up back to him
not for the contentment of myself, but for my mom and dad who still continues to believe in Him.
