uhmm.,
i really don't know what to say! i don't know how i exactly feel now-a-days. I've got this huge problem with my mother, being physically away from my old peers, the new bunch of people that i go along with and this fling2 with a guy.
for me, maybe i want to get out of the real world. i know im hurt, but i display a different aura. i want to be really tough, but deep inside im weak and dying.
for the past few days, specifically my drunk days, my parents already knew about what i do, but they dont know how i simultaneously do my studies and my bonds with friends. According to my father, my mom already new that i drink ever since i celebrated my 18th bday.
Last Saturday, March 07, 2009, my brother called me around 8pm to tell me that i need to go home right away and that my mother is waiting for me. He sounded as if im already in trouble. i was nervous on what will happen. i was very dull and immature to have thought not to go home. i went to my friend's place. i was ready to go to sleep. i recieved a text message and a call from my dad, asking me to go home. i pity my father. i love my father so much, that i decided to go home for his sake.
i got home, then i was slapped, kicked, punched and felt my hair was disappeared! my mother did it to me once again. i was quite at first, embracing all the pain and accepting my mistake. my mother never stopped yelling. she used many foul words like "Giatay ka", "Boang ka", "Ngano ni uli pa ma ka?", etc. then i didnt mean to talk back. i told her that she had always made me feel that im worthless and pathetic. i used foul words too.
My father, had been in between us. He was also physically hurt. i think, he had more bruises.
my mother took my 2 cellphones. i had no choice.
i went up to my room crying and yelling. My father was just standing in my door. i packed my things, but he said i need to calm down. And so, i listened to him.
he told me,
i dont have to think that i already knew everything and that i already knew my limitations, because the truth is im not old enough to know everything. He kept on comparing his and my mother's teen life to mine, which i really have to disagree with. He also mentioned, that in my age, i have reached the point that i want to explore and be free to make my own decisions. He said that it's normal, but i did it the wrong way.
he never mentioned that i was influenced by my friends. i was happy for that matter. he understood that i have to let go of things that only my friends should now. he respected my right to be angry to my mother, but disagrees to the fact that i have to curse her forever.
my father always mention that i have to adjust with my mother. she had tough times during her childhood and so she doesnt want me to experience what she have gone through. i totally disagree with it! my father had already adjusted to her character, but i dont think that my mother have done it vice versa. so what would you think? Its totally unfair, isnt it? now tell me, is it the right time for her to adjust to my character?! and that its my time to let go of some childlike rules?!
i know my parents have always wanted what's best for us, but there are times that they squeeze us into this tiny little space. i want to get out from that space. that's all i ever wanted.
it doesnt really mean that i really hate my mother. my father helps me to understand her even more. i know as thier daughter, i will always have to live by thier rules and discpline. i just want them to know that i am already a person who can mistakes and eventualy learn from it. that i am someone they could rely on and that im trustworthy.
___BaTTEred___
